If you are the parent of young child and you are in certain mood, one of the most annoying things a relative or adult family friend can say to your child is, “Do you help Mommy around the house?” or a more specific example “Do you help Mommy push the stroller when your brother is in it?”
This question seems innocent enough. However, what is actually happening is that the moment this question is asked, a seed is planted in your child’s brain. You will not realized it at the time, but your child will remember that they should be a “Big Helper” and they will seem to remember this just at the second when you need your child’s help the least.
To give a specific example, you might be walking on a nature trail with your two year old son and your baby on what you thought might be a nice morning for a walk when the weather quickly turns hot and humid. Gnats might start flying near your eyes and it might occur to you that you would like to end this outing as soon as possible because everyone is getting grumpy. Just then, your toddler will remember that he would like to push the stroller. He might say, “I WANT TO HELP!” in a whiny voice tone of voice and you might ask yourself, “Did I invite Caillou on this walk?”. The cherry on the cake will be when he grabs onto the stroller to “help” and repeatedly pushes the stroller off the trail making your escape from this outing seemingly impossible.
In your frustration you will suddenly remember the voice of the “helpful adult” who you just saw last weekend saying to your child, “DO YOU HELP MOMMY PUSH YOUR BROTHER IN THE STROLLER?” And even though that relative has never been anything short of nice to you and your children, you will, in that moment, hate that person furiously, with the power of a thousand suns.
You might even stew on this phrase, replaying it again and again in your brain. You might, in the moment, cast mental curses on this person even though they meant well and really they were just looking for a way to make a connection with your child. And while you know you are being irrationally angry towards this person, sometimes it feels a like a bit of a curse when your child picks the wrong moment to be helpful.
Of course the person in the story is me and the incident in question happened last summer. I hated on the “helpful adult” for a few hours but then I came to my senses. Still, during the week the incident occurred, I thought long and hard about whether I should be initializing my toddler’s helpful urges more and if so why should I do that. Giving in to the help of my toddler son seemed like a way to placate him but I couldn’t see any advantages for me.
My thinking changed though because of what I heard on the radio. Not long after the time that this story happened, I heard a story on NPR’s Weekend Edition about how toddler’s brains are hard wired to be super helpful. The story also said that parents in Mexico are better than American parents at harnessing this willingness to help and using it as it as the building block in an informal chore training-program.
The ambitious parents reap their rewards years later when their children are capable of doing complicated tasks. Their children also show a higher level of self motivation to help with chores around the house than American children show. One child profiled in the radio story could fry pork on the stove by age 2 and could butcher a whole pig by age 9. [Click here to listen or read to the Morning Edition story from June 2018].
I am not really there yet in terms of knowing how to harness my older son’s interest in helping me and he is very interested. One guide in my journey is a book from my childhood called, interestingly enough, We Help Daddy. Published in 1962, the book chronicles the day in the life of two children, Benji and Sue as they “help” their father with chores around the yard and house. The children help their father with such tasks as: giving the dog a bath, loading firewood into a wheelbarrow, washing and polishing the car, and building a bird house just to name a few. I counted the number of jobs the children help their father with in the book and the number is 10. The children help their father do 10 different jobs over the course of one day in the book.
The copy of We Help Daddy is the actual book that my parents read to me when I was a child. It was one of my favorites. I can only hope one day that I will be as patient and interested in my children’s willingness to help as the dad in this book.
My husband and I like to joke that if we are ever feeling especially lazy all we have to do is read We Help Daddy and we can feel even worse about the amount we accomplish around the house.
Here are some pictures from the book:
I do try to emulate certain aspects of the father’s attitude in the book. I try to remember that children can be helpers and that they like helping around the house. I also try and remember that I need to have patience when my older son, Mr. Man, wants to help me. It is easier said than done, but even so, I try.
As a child and I was very pumped up to help my Dad in the backyard after reading this book. I have fond memories of me and my sisters washing the car with him. Another family chore that I have fond memories of are the hours spend during several summer-long campaigns where we as a family scraped the paint off the fence that separated our yard from our neighbor’s yard.
I remember helping my mother in the kitchen when she made pizza. As a young child I got to sprinkle the cheese on the pizza and put the toppings on the pizza. When I was older I was allowed to grate the cheese with the metal cheese grater and spread the sauce on.
So in summation, I am trying my best to let Mr. Man help me around the house. He is actually getting better at unloading the dishwasher. Also I let him bake with me if the recipe is not too complicated. Afterwards, I let him play with the dishes in the soapy water. Sometimes he tries to put the mixing beaters in his mouth after they have been in the dishwater, but I guess that is a lesson you only have to do a few times before you learn. (Perhaps it doesn’t taste that bad?)
Someday, I will let Baby Nugget help me too. It slows things down for sure but I know that someday they will remember these times and maybe somewhere down the line teaching them to how to do things will make them more willing to help when they are tweens and teenagers.
By the way, We Help Daddy is still in print. It is know part of a Golden Book compilation called Daddy Stories and is available on Amazon by clicking here.
Do you struggle with letting your children help you with tasks around the house and community? Let me know your stories. Comment below.
[This post contains affiliate links to Amazon, if you click on the link and purchase, I will make a very tiny percentage at no additional cost to you].
I remember scraping the paint off of the fence each summer. Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Katie!
This blog rings so true! I have two thoughts.
1. Gigi was the master of toddler helpers. She got us to happily pick up sticks in her backyard and clean up our toys in a jiffy. I don’t know how she she did it. But she harnessed our enthusiasm!
2. I struggle with children helping me nearly everyday in my classroom. A first grader wants to collect all the mats (and nearly pokes someone in the eye) and the kindergartners have to put their own little counters into the bin (but mostly just the floor). I tell myself to allow some extra time for helpfulness and take a deep calming breath. This will be helpful later, right?!?!
It sound cute but I know that it requires a deep breath. Keep it up! You are doing great!
I remember it fondly now, seriously. It seems like a fun memory and I think it was fun at the time but am I remember it through rose colored glasses. Also did you love the book We Help Daddy too? Because I think it was one of my favorites.