I have been trying to write for over a week now but something has been getting in my way. The truth is that I been in a bad mood all and I didn’t want to be a little black rain cloud and rain everyone’s day with a grumpy blog post. Fear not though readers, my bad mood has dissipated and I can now return to regular life.
What had been bothering me thought was the feeling of being bogged down by the Christmas season even though it had really just begun. Specifically, I had been feeling stressed by the idea of attending Christmas/holiday gatherings.
My problem isn’t that I don’t like parties. I like parties, for the most part, and I like my children as well, but I don’t always like attending parties with my children. Additionally, I have had an intense year this year, I don’t really love small talk right now. So the thought of these two things together was creating a perfect storm of stress that made me start to dread going to holiday gatherings.
There are multiple reasons why I feel stress when I think about taking my children to someone else’s house. One reason is that most people’s houses don’t have baby locks on the cabinets in accessible places (the nerve of them, jk). Mr. Man still gets into a lot of stuff, though not as much as he used to, and it can be irritating to say the least, to politely follow him around and keep him from opening people’s cupboards.
Also most people leave their bathrooms door’s open when they are unoccupied, and why won’t they? However an open bathroom door is an invitation to paradise for Mr. Man, who just today went crazy on an low-laying can of air freshener when he was left unattended for a mere few seconds in the bathroom.
And don’t even get me started on breakable figurines on low shelves. Hummel-Smummle, pretty soon it is all rubble. You would think that people set up their houses for their own needs and not mine; what’s that about?
The three year old isn’t the only one who needs special accommodations at parties. Another thing that stresses me out is that Baby Nugget is over 24 lbs and doesn’t walk yet so he either needs to be held, on my lap, or I need to find a space on the floor for him to crawl. I get stressed thinking about the back pain I am going to get if I have to hold him while standing up for hours at a time. Also he is still in diapers so I need to keep my diaper bag handy and not stashed away in a coat room which can be unsightly and bulky to carry around.
After my children are taken care of and I can engage in grownup conversation, I don’t know how to respond when people ask me the question, “So what have you been up to lately?”. The last nine months of my life have been a whirlwind for me. I have probably had one of the more eventful years in my life during this past year, but I still don’t know how to answer the question.
I know the person asking the question is just looking for a jumping off point for a conversation but I always feel like I have nothing interesting to say besides, “You know, taking care of the boys, going to my part time job.”
I am not usually doing something incredible, like climbing Mr. Kilimanjaro so I almost feel like I have nothing to show for the time I have spent since I have seen the person asking the question last. Also the question just seems lazy, like the person is saying, “Dance for me, dance monkey.”
Anyway, I digress. . . I am getting off topic.
Here is what I am trying to say:
I have snapped out of my funk! I have decided to re-frame some of my Holiday Party Fears and it is working. I no longer dread the thought of holiday parties.
Five Ways I Am Re-framing Party Fears
Original Thought #1: I don’t want to go to this party because my three year old son will need constant supervision and I won’t get to socialize anyway because I will be following him around and making sure he doesn’t get into anything or break the host’s stuff.
Re-framed Thought #1: My three year old will be himself and dazzle guests with his sparkling personality and ingenuity. He will say something cute or do something sweet. This will cause me to remember how great he and is and will put me at ease. This will open conversation doors for me that might not have been opened otherwise. I could even use him as an icebreaker.
Original Thought #2: We will drive a distance to a get together only to have someone melt down after only being at the party for a short time.
Re-framed Thought #2: I can still have a nice time at a party even if I am only there for a short time. If we do have to leave, we have to leave. I can’t worry about whether people will judge us for leaving too early into the gathering. Additionally, whichever child is having a meltdown will probably fall asleep as soon as we start driving and the other child will be a baby so my husband and I will be able to listen to whatever we want to listen to on the radio on the way home.
Original Thought #3: If there is not a place for me to let Baby Nugget crawl on the floor, I will have to hold him the entire time and he weighs a lot. My back hurts just thinking about it now.
Re-framed Thought #3: If there is no place to let Baby Nugget crawl I can pass him around. People love holding a baby. I could also pull up a chair. I could always find a chair even if other people aren’t sitting, I can still sit down with him. Also I can buy myself flats, because my current healed dress shoes hurt my back if I am holding a baby while I wear them.
Original Thought #4: What will I do if someone asks me, “So what have you been up to?” Will I say something rude by accident? This question drives me nuts because it makes me feel like I need to A) be up to something incredible so I have something to report on or B) conversely it makes me feel like people don’t realize that my mother just passed away at the end of October and that making life normal again takes time.
Re-framed Thought #4: People who ask that question are just looking for a jumping off point for a conversation and mean no malice. To respond, I could just tell people what I have been up to. I could also be proactive and start conversations with people by asking my own questions like, “Do you like cheese, if so do you like hard cheese or soft cheese?”. That too is a jumping off point and a departure from normal small talk.
Original Thought #5: People have been so kind to me and my family during this past year, what if I can’t be the person they want me to be and attend their party or stay as long as they want me to stay?
Re-framed Thought #5: I am lucky to have so many friends and family members who want to spend time with me. I am a lucky person to have so many people in my life. I can only do what I can do. I will do my best and people will understand. Maybe the key to getting through it is to just do it and to not worry about earning style points. I will probably have a fun time once I am there.
What stresses you out about the holidays? What are your favorite parts?
Comment below
One of the things that frustrates me is that I get overwhelmed by all of the chaos of Christmas in my husband’s family. Their grandmother died in 2015, so everybody was a little sad at Christmas 2015. Then, their mother died in 2016. So, everybody was sad in 2016 and 2017. I absorbed a lot of this. Now, this Christmas of 2018 is the first Christmas without my mom. I am nervous about dealing with everybody’s emotions with the passing of Fran 2 years ago, while also dealing with the passing of my own mom. I am overwhelmed by just thinking about dealing with my husband’s family this year.