We are getting back to real life

I didn’t know how to write this first post back after a substantial break.  For starters, I didn’t have time to write this post, but just yesterday Mr. Man went back to school for the first time since March and I have found myself with a small amount of time. 

So first, let me address the elephant in the room; my father-in-law passed away at the end of August. He had had cancer for about a year and though things had looked up for a while following his first six-month round of chemotherapy, then things took a turn sometime after Covid started and got worse around Father’s Day. He lived with his sisters and mother for the past year, and while their love and care was tremendously helpful, I don’t think the isolation of the early Covid days did him any favors. 

We are doing okay though.  He had been in hospice most of the summer and his passing was a blessing for him as well as for the extended family.  Nobody wants to see someone they love in pain. 

 I might also add that this is the second parent that my husband has lost in the past year as his mother also passed away in February. My father-in-law is now with my mother-in-law. 

You could say that 2020 has been quite the year for us, what with all this going on. 

For some time now, I had been feeling sorry for us.  The feeling sorry didn’t start in February after my mom-in-law died, but it came to the surface sometime soon after my father-in-law went to hospice. 

For starters, with addition of my mother, who passed away in October 2018, in less than 2 years, my children have lost 3 grandparents.  Let me tell you, this is nothing that I would have ever forseen when we decided to have children.  I had both of my children after the age of 35, and while I was warned repeatedly that women over 35 have more trouble conceiving, I was never reminded that by having children at an advanced maternal age, I would have less of chance of my parents being around to see them grow up.  It didn’t even cross my mind 

Little Toddler Nugget only just turned two and half and 3 our his 4 of his grandparents have passed away since he was born.  I feel bad for the boys because I know that many children still have all four of their grandparents. 

I also feel sad for my husband and me.  I worry about how the holidays will feel. Due to his parent’s health and how it affected their mobility and availability, we had been seeing less of them over the past few years.  

 I know though that their loss will especially be felt during times of the year when we usually visited with them.  They almost always shared Christmas Eve with us.  We often celebrated birthdays and the 4^th of July with them.  My mother-in-law, especially, always brought my sons shirts or outfits for every holiday.  We were never at a loss for outfitting our boys for Halloween thanks to Maggie. 

This summer, I spent some time wallowing a little.  Life also felt like it was on pause because my father-in-law had entered hospice and while at first, we were very concerned about him passing away at any minutes, as the days wore on, we didn’t quite know how to progress.  Five days in hospice turned into fifty plus days before we knew it. 

Twenty-two months ago, when my mother first passed away, I would get annoyed when I would see grandmothers picking their children up at Mr. Man’s preschool.  I would get annoyed when grandmothers and their adult daughters would be at the park with their small children.  I would get super annoyed when patrons at my library would complain about their aging parents or when friends would express annoyance at the things their parents (who were often older than mine) do. Life was a potential minefield. 

Strangely though, losing my in-laws in addition to my mother has made me more understanding and less upset about hearing about other people’s parents.  It could also be that perhaps losing them all has just made me more aware of my privilege which makes my heart feel more open to others.  I am more cognizant of just how lucky I am that I came from a loving home with two parents who liked each other.  I can now see how being around me and my family could have rubbed someone from another circumstance the wrong way. 

I’m doing better now. I know it is going to be hard when the holidays come.  I know that it will be important to keep supporting my husband during his grieving process. I know that it will be challenging when my husband and his sister work to clean out their parent’s house. It isn’t going to be easy, but lately I have been seeing examples of people going about their lives.  People get divorced all the time but still live to take their children to school.  Life is hard sometimes, but life goes on.   

It is September now and before yesterday my children hadn’t been in school since March, and school has started so it is time for us to move forward. We are finally becoming unpaused.