Bullying and How to Talk About It With Our Children

I am still reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. One passage that I read today caused me to have some feels. The passage is about bullying and personal attacks that she and her family experienced when they were on the campaign trail in 2008. However, this chapter began with a passage about her childhood. Here it is. . .

When I was in first grade, a boy in my class punched me in the face one day, his fist coming up like a comet, full-force and out of nowhere. We’d been lining up to go to lunch . . .when blam, I got whacked. I don’t know why. . . Too shocked to be angry, I ran home to my mom. . . My mother went over to the school to personally lay eyes on the kid. . .some sort of conversation between adults took place. Some type of punishment was meted out. I received a shamefaced apology from the boy and was instructed not to worry about him further.

“That boy was just scared and angry about things that had nothing to do with you,” my mother told me later in the kitchen. . .”He’s dealing with a whole lot of problems of his own.”
This is how we talked about bullies. Bullies were scared people hiding inside of scary people.

-Becoming by Michelle Obama

This passage really resonated with me because I finally found something that I have been searching out for a while. I have been looking for a good way to talk about bullying with my children. I found Michelle’s mother’s explanation about why people bully to be a rare and precious thing.

I didn’t really talk much about bullying with my parents. My parents were good at a lot of things and were good parents but somethings we not always expertly communicated.

I remember having a tough time in 1st grade. I was a sensitive child. I do know that. I know that I probably got upset often if people looked at my the wrong way. It might have been taxing at times to sooth me when I was upset. I remember me telling my father that I did not want to go to school that morning in 1st grade because one of the teacher’s yelled too much. My father joked with me about it with me but also essentially told me that I needed to grow thicker skin. I used to give away the sandwich that my mom packed me in 2nd grade because my “best friend” in class told me that she wouldn’t be my friend anymore if I didn’t. Also I didn’t really like the sandwiches that my mom packed me so I didn’t mind too much. I remember telling my mother things children did in early elementary school and I remember that she told me that I needed to turn the other cheek like Jesus did. I do kind of thinking that I was doing what Jesus would do when I gave away my sandwich under duress.

I remember being in 5th and 6th grade and a girl told me that she was going to come to my house and kill my entire family, including my “little baby sister.” I do know that I told my parents that time. I don’t remember how my parents dealt with that in 5th grade. They may have called the school privately. But I don’t remember what they said to me directly. By the time 6th grade rolled around and that girl said it again, I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t really believe her as nothing happened the first time. She did continue standing on my the back of my feet if we were told to line up and she was behind me.

So I found that for the most part, when people were unkind to me, I didn’t talk to my parents about it.

There was one exception, I remember at the end of 8th grade, I was playing soccer with some other kids after the end of the year CCD party at our church. I liked soccer and played on a team until I was in 6th grade, so I felt like I knew what I was doing. Some boys decided to pick teams so we could play. After picking through most of the kids, I was still standing with a few other kids. One of the boys picking teams said something like “You take the rest of them, they are worthless anyway.” This boy who said this was two years behind me in school. I thought to myself, “What do you know about my soccer skills?”

This comment hurt me in my soul. I carried it around all day. Eventually, at bedtime I decided to tell my mother. She surprised me because instead of saying don’t worry about it and he probably didn’t mean anything she said something like, “He and his family think their behinds are made of gold.” I still work up some tears when I think about that sometimes. I remember being surprised that my mother said that. I remember being surprised that my mother didn’t say something like, “Turn the other cheek.” It felt good that my mother was on my side.

I always thought that turning the other cheek meant that you were supposed to swallow your feelings. That’s what I thought as a child. I thought that I was supposed to swallow my hurt when people insulted me. I though that I wasn’t supposed to talk about it or make a big deal. Eventually, I began to feel like it was probably my fault when people said something unkind to me. Twice in junior high and high school I had my behind pinched by a male student. I felt a lot of shame about these incidents. Once when I was in college on a service trip with a religious group, I got cat called on the streets in New Orleans. After all of these times, I questioned what I was doing wrong that caused these things to happen.

My husband and I have talked recently about what turning the other cheek means. He thinks it means that you tell the other person that you don’t like what they are doing and to stop doing that or you are going to tell an adult. The turning the other cheek part to him though means maybe not holding a grudge afterward and having empathy for the other person.

This is why the Becoming book passage really triggered something in me. I have only recently begun to understand that 95% of more of how people react or interact with you has nothing to do with you. I remember a coworker telling me this truth in 2002 after another coworker spoke to me rudely. However , I don’t know if I only really started believing this truth until the last few years.

I am going to use how Michelle Obama’s mom spoke with her daughter after the punching incident as a template for how to talk to my children about bullying. I am going to bookmark this page with a post-it note and refer to it if necessary.

Ever since my children started interacting with other children I knew that I needed a better way to address bullying with my children. I am glad that bullying is an issue that teachers talk to students about these days. I applaud the information that is given out to my children in school.

One mistake I made as a child is that I did not talk to grownups who could help. The cloud of shame that followed me over being bullied caused me to clam up and not tell the bully to stop. Then I would blame myself for being whatever it was that the bully did not like about me. The shame about the incident would keep me from talking about it with grownups. I didn’t know the phrase “Snitches get stitches,” but I sensed that it wasn’t dignified to tell.

I like that today there is a dialogue in schools about bullying. My sons know to tell someone to stop when they are disrespected and to tell an adult.

I still have fears about sending my children into the outside world without me. Mr. Man has always been a social creature and been a good communicator. However, H. Nugget does have a communication delay. I feel afraid for him at times going out into the world without me.

This year, being H. Nugget’s first year in school fulltime, I have been working hard to keep an eye on him. I have been sitting in on cub scout meetings, and have been volunteering his religious education classes and at school. I have been am putting on myself to put on me to protect him by being present. Reading and thinking about the passage about bullying in Becoming is helping me to gain confidence in my ability to teach him about how to use words to communicate what is going on.

Remembering that I can keep communication lines open between me and my children, even as they grow older, is giving me the confidence to think about taking on more work hours away from the house.

One more note, I think that it is important for all parties involved in bullying to use empathy when dealing with each other. I liked that not only that Michelle Obama’s mother wanted to talk to Michelle about bullying, but her mother seemed to understand that the bully himself was experiencing feelings that he didn’t know how to deal with.

If you are looking for an interesting 11 minute listen, here is a clip that I listened to today exploring the connections between school shooters and bullying.

What are your thoughts on bullying?

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